oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
