Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
