someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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