Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I can't turn off my feet"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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