Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
