Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
