i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
