he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
