he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
