So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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