you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
vagina is talking i cant
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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