I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
