Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
