Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
