Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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