Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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