and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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