There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
