Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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