i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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