bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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