There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
