dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
