She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
