it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
