Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
