thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
