11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
