theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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