I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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