Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
