My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just found puke in my bra..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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