i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she told me i tasted like america
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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