i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
