please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
