im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
