guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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