she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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