Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
