apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
