3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
