I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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