It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
