Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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