If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
