Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
