i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
