Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
