Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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