I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
