fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
