the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
